I wasn't a bad kid. I grew up in a normal southern town in North Carolina. I had 3 best friends around my age and we did, for the most part, normal things. Justin was the kid with all the new toys, Brian was the one who we got to try all of our stupid ideas, and Josh, well he came up with the stupid ideas for us to get Brian to do. Myself and Brian are two of the most competitive people you will ever meet. He is two years older than I am but I was far more athletic. One time in middle school (I was in middle school Brian was in high school) we were playing hide and seek in Justin's basement. The rules were turn out all the lights and first one to be found was it. My strategy was to make Brian laugh and then find him easily. This worked all the time because even as a middle schooler, I was hilarious. Brian hated this so much that he tried something new, he hid with a pillow. Every time he would start laughing he would place his head in the pillow so I wouldn't hear him. This worked at first, but lets remember, I was hilarious. Out of nowhere I hear this laughing but soon, very soon it turns to crying. Apparently Brian was laughing so hard he pissed himself. There are a few theories of why I believe Brian started crying. 1. He cried all the time about everything. 2. His pants were drenched with urine and he was in high school. 3. He was now it and I beat him once again. He also crapped himself a few times but that's for a different time.
When I say I wasn't a bad kid I'm being serious. I did rebellious things every now and then but nothing too serious. One time Josh stole a cigarette from his mom and we both ran off into the woods to try it for the first time. We ended up getting caught. We didn't get caught because we smelt like smoke, we got caught because we used so much cologne to cover the smell of the smoke that is was pretty obvious what we were doing. I mean two middle school boys grabbing a lighter and running off into the woods and coming back ten minutes later smelling like Clay Aiken's house after his weekly Glee party can be a bit suspicious.
The first time I ever "drank" alcohol was also with Josh. Myself and about 7 other hooligans stole a Watermelon Smirnoff containing almost 3% alcohol and each had about half a sip. We got caught. Apparently its easier for moms to keep track of a 6 pack than we were expecting. We worked out a deal, I would do yard work all day and my parents wouldn't be told.
Josh went to a different school than I did so I was home whenever his bus dropped him off at the end of the school day. He was picking on me for being soft and told me he would give me $5 to throw a egg at his school bus. I was determined to prove myself so I promised I would do it the next day. It was about 15 minutes before the bus was expected to come so I stole an egg from my fridge and ran off into the woods to find my place of attack. I soon found out that running with an egg in your pocket can be problematic so I ran back home, changed into pants without a broken egg in them, stole a second egg and tried again (all of this 100% true by the way). I found my spot in the woods right next to the road, and with an egg in my hand I was ready. The bus appeared in the distance and I started getting nervous. My mind wondered and began getting paranoid that it was going to hit the wind shield and cause the bus to wreck and the police were going to find me. I also knew I had to prove I wasn't soft so when the bus drove by I stood up and as hard as I could I threw that egg at the bus... and missed the bus completely. The bus dropped off Josh and I slowly walked towards him ready to be made fun of. When he saw me he looked scared and told me to run home. So for the second time that afternoon I ran home, this time without a broken egg in pocket. Josh soon came over and told me what had happened. Apparently I didn't miss, in fact the egg I threw made its way through an open bus window and hit a girl right in the face! Josh also said that the bus driver saw me throw it and did in fact call the police. Luckily, only in the situation, I was home schooled so the bus driver had no idea who I was. I not only gained $5 that day, I also gained the respect of a middle school friend who I haven't talked to in 7 years. Worth it!
Jackass, which was a TV show at the time, heavily influenced me and my friends. We had this sweet camcorder where you would place the actual VHS tape inside and record whatever you wanted to for about two hours. Needless to say we began filming "Jackbutt" ( I wasn't allowed to say ass or I would have been grounded). The first few hours went great! We were doing awesome stunts and no ones parents saw us so there was no one to stop us. I was so proud of my work I decided to show my parents what I had done. During the final stunt one of the guys drops a nice four letter word that the video camera caught perfectly. And these were literally the next words to come out, "Way to go man, now John can't show his parents". Yes I was the only church goer out of my friends. Yes I would have shown my parents our masterpiece had not one of my friends slipped up. Yes I would have been in more trouble had I shown my parents the tape even with out the profanity. Yes I understand now how terrible an idea "Jackbutt" was.
"If you're gonna be dumb you gotta be tough" - Roger Allan Wade.
Later, JG
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