Corned beef and cabbage recipe

So awhile back my phone died and Verizon sent me a new one. I decided to sell the one they sent me and buy a different model. So naturally I went to the place one would sell such an item, that's right ebay. Ebay was created back in 1995 by a couple of friends who decided it was way too much work to leave your house and buy an item you need. I mean why buy something from someone you actually have to see and might have to talk to when you can just sit in your house/parents basement and have the item delivered to you. Think about it. You purchase an item, someone else mails it to you, some other someone else brings its to you and all you have to do is pick it up on your porch. I mean think of all the Star Trek you would miss out on if you had to go buy it yourself and you might even run into a real person who would possibly want to have a real conversation with you. So anyway I put my phone up and this is what happened.

After the first few days I started getting bids immediately. I mean seriously guys this was a Motorola Rival, these things may not be smart phones but they are pretty high up there. I can't even say that these phones suck. Seriously this is the type of phone that would be happy with the C-. So anyway the phone sells, I ship it, I get the money everything is great, or so I thought. I get an email saying that they no longer need the phone and would like to return it. Myself, being the sensitive, thoughtful, caring person that I am explained that I already shipped it and could not accept a return. 3 weeks later I get another email saying the phone doesn't work and would like a return. Myself, being the sometimes sensitive, occasionally thoughtful, almost always caring person that I am explained that the warranty on the phone had expired and I would not be able to accept a return. I later find that they had filed a case against me and that the ebay police were reviewing the case. I sent in all the information they needed to know and the court found the buyer innocent and myself guilty. I appealed the case stating that the buyer had been shady, yes shady, and the phone worked perfectly whenever I sent it. My appeal was denied and they took back the money straight out of my bank account, which is very disturbing that they can do that. Myself being the blunt, annoyed, honestly pissed off person ebay had transformed me into, I called customer support because they had clearly made a mistake. After being on hold for half an hour listening to music that made me miss the sound of Humble Tip (side not, Humble Tip is a christian rap artist from Liberty University. Seriously his music is the worse thing to happen to christians since the Dove awards, Point of Grace, and possibly even Bible man). I finally got through to a man who speaks very little English. Who knew that ebay was a international thing? So he asks me my name and no joke uses it twice in every sentence. I thought I was being Punked. There is no reason to say "Hello John thank you for calling customer support John, what may I help you with John?" I finally get him to transfer me over to someone else and they again deny my request. I would like to apologize for some of the things I said to him. This is a blog that the entire family can sit around together and read so I won't go into further detail.

So there I was a beaten man. $60 out of my bank account and a broken phone on my desk. So what does one do in such a situation? They write a sarcastic email to the buyer. Who cares about being the bigger man, getting the last word in is what it is all about. Well ladies and Luke Stehr (the one guy who consistently reads this) here is that email.

Dear, *********

Okay I got the phone back in the mail yesterday and you're right its not working. I'm guessing something happened to it while it was being shipped I really don't know because it worked fine before I shipped it. It's just so strange how a phone you didn't want anymore just happened to stop working once you got it. But I'm so happy you got your money back. I mean I highly doubt you would lie just for money. I'm also sorry I didn't make the warranty on the phone longer. I mean one week just isn't enough time to turn on a phone see if it works and email me to let me know there is a problem. But in the end everything worked out right? I mean you no longer have the phone you didn't want to buy, you have your money back and I have the phone I originally had so everyone is happy. I mean its not like I want a working phone or anything oh and paying the extra money for the shipping, no big deal. I'm a college student so I have tons of extra cash just laying around. I mean I would much rather pay for your shipping than have to go to the movies with my friends, pay my bills or anything like that. I just want you to be happy. Also I'm glad you gave me negative feedback, I deserve it. Just let me thank you for all the potential buyers I might have. I'm clearly a jerk who just wants to rip people off. Getting ebay involved was a very classy move because I obviously was not going to help you. Man they should just take my ebay account away if I'm going to be this irresponsible. I would also like to say that I'm sorry it took you an entire week to make it to a Verizon store. Those phones are just so complicated to turn on. How were you suppose to know that phone wasn't working, they make that on button so difficult sometimes. Well I could go on all day but I'm reaching my word limit. I hope this email finds you well and that the rest of your ebay experience will be a positive one. Stay classy *** **************.(her name not swear words)
P.S You didn't need to break my phone you could have just sent it back. I mean that's something a senior in high school would do.

-jgdechamp

Yes I lied about being a college student and yes I used google and facebook to find this person, and yes according to facebook this person is a senior in high school.

"A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advise"- Bill Cosby.

Later, JG

Charlie Sheen

I don't hate animals let me go ahead and throw that out there. Yes Michael Vick is one of my favorite athletes. This is not because of what he did off the field but more due to the fact that I have been to his house (yes it was his lake house, yes I only stood on his pier, no he did not know I was there). So last weekend I got the pleasure of removing a very dead opossum away from the ball field where parents would soon be picking up their children. As I got closer to the already very much dead varmint I noticed four 5th grade girls standing by it. They apparently had a funeral for "Linda" and cover it in grass. I scooped it up with the shovel and one of the girls asked me how their new friend had died. As I'm holding this sick excuse of an animal with its mouth open, tongue out, blood stained fur, obvious male parts exposed for all the world to see. I just told her that it died of cancer then she took this information to the other girls and yelled, "It's okay Linda died of cancer, I bet she didn't even feel it." Man I love stupid children. I then drive Linda, who is in fact obviously a male, down a trail so that I may dispose of its carcass. I am being completely honest when I say this but as soon as I step out of the truck there is a nous already tied and a perfect fit for Linda. Okay put yourself in my situation, you have a rope and a dead animal and way too much time on your hands. So naturally I did what anyone else in this situation would have done. I slid the knot around its head and hung it in a tree over a small waterfall. Guys if God did not want me to do this the rope would not have been there for me to do this. I think He was testing me like He tested Abraham with his son. I was waiting for the ram to appear but it never showed up therefore it wasn't my fault it was the rams. Therefore any college team that uses a ram as their mascot is clearly sinning against God. Don't get upset with me these are just the facts. Anyway I had no intention of leaving it up there for very long just long enough to show Garret and hear his laugh. Which now that I think of it, if that did happen it would have lasted longer than I thought. So of course I forget to tell Garret and someone else finds it and sends out a few emails asking who this sick person is that would do that to a poor animal. Whoops.

So in my new place there are a few mice. I was sleeping on the couch one night and one of these little demons ran out of the kitchen right towards me and scurried underneath where I was sleeping. I honestly sleep on the couch every night now with a knife just waiting for Stuart Little to try to pull a stunt like that again.

I would like to take this time and thank all of you that read this. I would also like to thank my international supporters including the 24 of you in Russia who read this and the 8 in Guadeloupe. I do apologize for not knowing that your country even exist but hey even I learn something new everyday. If numbers continue as normal I will reach 3,000 views this month including readers from 10 different countries. I will soon be adding advertisement on the side so if you or someone you know would like some international publicity contact myself, John Grant, and I will be happy to give you an estaminet.

"I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to be the center of attention. I wanted the glory, I wanted the fame. I wanted the pretty girls to come up to me and say, 'Hi, I see you're good at Centipede'."- Walter Day

Later, JG